Friday, January 18, 2008

Why I Am Going To Hell: Reason # 56

Being a director in a non-profit human service agency people often assume that I am a good person, bordering on sainthood. "That's sooo great you work with those people" and "You are doing God's work" are things I hear quite often when telling folks what I do for a living. Little do they know that I am a self serving bastard who capitalizes on any opportunity for self-gratification. Let me explain.

Wednesday morning I was logged on to Ticketmaster trying to get Patriots AFC Championship tickets. After hitting the refresh button for an hour and a half it became apparent I was not going to the game. I rationalized that it would be better watching at home in the warmth of my living room instead of freezing my ass off sitting in single digit temperatures and bone chilling wind. Then I had a revelation.

Handicapped seating.

Being that I work with folks who have physical handicaps I am fully aware of that a certain amount of seating at any public event needs to be put aside for the handicapped per the ADA, Americans with Disabilities Act. I have brought clients to games in the past and never had a problem getting tickets. I called the ADA number at Gillette Stadium and was put on hold. As I listened to some old play by play with Gino and Gill I thought "are there people out there so desperate for a ticket that they would feign a handicap to get them?". The box office attendant answered " Patriots Ticket Office" and startled me in mid-thought. I ordered two tickets, the maximum and since I have ordered tickets from them in the past it took less than a minute. I hung up the phone and floated around the room on cloud nine. The elation was short lived.

My conscience kicked in, full bore.

I wasn't like someone faking to be handicapped in order to get tickets, I have my choice of real, live, handicapped dudes to choose from who love the Pats and would love to go to the game. But I came to the realization that I ordered the tickets because I wanted to go to the game, not because I knew one of my men would want to go or out of the kindness of my heart.

My guilt lasted less than my initial elation and I started calling everyone who would listen, to brag about my latest coup de grace.

I may be going to hell in a bucket, but at least I'm enjoyin' the ride.

Section 120, me and my newest, bestest, client.

Go Pats!!!


Mushy said...

Nawh, but it you do you won't be lonely.

That's some funky hell art!

David Sullivan said...

The Garden of Earthly Delights is Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch around 1503. Its one of my favorite depictions of hell. If you look it up on goole images you can see the other two parts which is the garden of eden, and a hedonistic orgy scene. The hell scene is the third part. Usually hell after an orgy involves penicillin, but this scene is way scarier.

Suldog said...

That Bosch shows up as the cover art on one of Deep Purple's earliest albums (appropriately enough entitled "Deep Purple".) How's that for making a trivial connection?
Enjoy the game!

David Sullivan said...

Trivialities are a Sullivan specialty!

Dirty Red said...

Man, I guess you will have to save me a seat at the bar when I get down there. We all do shit that. It just takes a man to be able to admit it. Besides if God wanted us all to be a bunch of goody-goodies, he would not have given us free will. From what I read here it seems that your heart is in the right place and that is all that matters. So enjoy the game. It would have been a better game if my Cowboys would not have choked, but oh well.

How 'Bout them Cowboys.... next year!!!

KIKI said...

Ok...well, if thats the case, I know I'm going to hell. LOL

Hey you...shoot me your email...I had to change the loks on the door.